Tears and Angry words

Read these first so your not lost
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5


As I waited I heard a voice call out "Hey... Hey sweetheart." I narrowed my eyes as I turned to see Erifia Apoc standing there.

Erifia said, "You look really bad, you need to talk?"

"Erifia!? What are you doing here?" I angrily asked as I waited for her to answer.

"I suppose that's not very important. Why you are on the verge of tears is," Erifia replied softly.

"I don't want to talk about it." I fired as I turned away and stared hard at the council chambers door. 'If she won't talk, then I won't tell her a word of what she wants to know.' I quickly told myself as I waited

"Don't you snip at me. We will go to the sparing room right now. Something is really, really bothering you for you to raise your voice like that." She stated as she stood there waiting.

'Let her wait' I told myself then I shook my head as I angrily said "Erifia, Master Luminara told me to stay here. And here's where I'll stay."

I then felt Erifia strong arms pushing me against a nearby wall. "Oh!! What did I do to deserve this rage?" She asked as she held me against the wall.

"Nothing," I fired as my left hand went towards my lightsaber. "Leave me alone, Erifia! I don't..." 'want to hurt you' I told myself as stared at her.

"Do it," Erifia said, "Do it dear. Because if I did something to upset you so, than I deserve it."

"Erifia," I slowly said as my let go of my lightsaber. "I can't do this, I can't go in there, not now." I quietly said as I looked at the door and tried to understand why I felt like running away from them.

"I can go in for you..." Erifia replied, "They don't scare me anymore." Then Erifia held opened her arms as I slowly walked in that embrace. I felt a need to release it all and I had helped her maybe she could help me.

"Erifia, between being accepted as a healer and now having to go before the council to be knighted." I cried on her shoulder. "Ican'tdoit, Iknowthisnow."

"If you can't do it, you don't have to... okay? Its up to you if you even want to be a knight." Erifia slowly said as she rubbed my shoulders.

Tears flow down my face. "Erifia, I mad at them. All of them, but most of all her. All the lies, everything." I slowly cried as I went on to say, "I know I shouldn't be, but I am."

"If you don't want to be knighted yet, then don't go in. Okay? Maybe I can help you get rid of some of that anger okay?" She stated calmly.

I nodded then slowly said "But I'll have made her look like she's a bad master. I know she's not."

"Are you ready to be knighted?" Erifia asked firmly.

"Erifia, look at me. Do I look ready to you? Do I look like someone who's right now capable in doing so?" I asked as I dried my tears. 'Oh. please don't answer that.' I told myself as I pleaded with my eyes for some hope.

"Then if she feels you're ready to be knighted, and you are not, then she is a bad master," Erifia said with that knowing look of hers.

I nodded then said "Erifia, earlier I wanted to kill her. I didn't even know I had that inside of me. I'm a healer first and for most, I should have been trained against this. But I still wanted to hurt her, even had joy in wanting to watch her die."

'But I still feel like killing her.' I told myself as I waited for Erifia reaction.

"Oh...Barriss..." Erifia said pulling Barriss to her tighter, "You're not ready sweetie... You should be allowed to feel these things... What have they done to you?"

My eyes went wide as my mind raced and I kept asking myself 'That do she mean by that?'

I allowed Erifia to grab my hand and drag me into a nearby quiet room. "Barriss... Sweet Barriss... I understand why you want to do that... But...."

""But what Erifia?" I asked as I waited I slowly started to repeat the code to myself.

"Barriss... Please don't get angry at me, but we have some things we need to work out for you... Frell... We have some things I need to work out... But yours are far more important. Okay? If you want, I will go tell the council to not expect you... Or if you think you are ready, I will go knock half of them unconscious."

I felt my world fall apart as I slowly closed my eyes then said "Erifia, I know now that I'm not ready." turning my blue eyes to Erifia asked "But who's going to take me on now? I am certain that Luminara won't be able to take me back."

"I will take care of everything..." Erifia said, "It is the least, I can do for you."

Then I watched as Erifia walked out of the room, and as the door closed I cried out my disappointment in myself and my sorrows. As I cried I sank down to my knees and thought back to the day that Master Yoda had given me the title of Jedi knight, but I had not been placed before the council. I still had my Padawan braid and it needed to be removed by the council and I didn't have the heart to remove it myself. 'I should have!' I told myself as I took my right hand and reached into my skull-cap and pulled it out.

My mind raced as I thought back over what Erifia had said. The only thing that was becoming clearer and clearer was that 'She wants to help me, but she doesn't have to!' I told myself as I tried hard not to think any further then that.

'Why bother, they may just kick me out anyway.' I told myself as I sat there waiting for Erifia.

I couldn't believe that in all my years of training I didn't have the strength to go with Erifia and face the council. I blamed myself and my own weakness for this failure.

Council Meeting