Read these first so your not lost
Part 7
Part 8
part 9
part 10
This is story is now part of a cross over with Erifia Apoc read her part of the story here on her blog.
I just glared at Erifia but didn't say a word as I waited for her to go on. My mind raced as I remembered that fear was the path to dark side.
"Barriss. I cannot teach you more until you are willing to learn. Do you want to hear what I have to say?" Erifia stated as she waited for my answer.
'Willing to learn!?!?!? But I’ve always been willing to learn. But lately it feels like I should I've been lied to by everyone.' I told myself as I flatly said "Yes, I like to hear what you have to say."
"You have to let yourself feel these things. If you don't, you'll build up and want to kill everyone you care for. See what's it done to you? You've contained resentment for Lumaniara and now it is hurting you." She said as if that was the only thing that matter at all.
I narrowed my eyes as she said Master Luminara's name. 'How would she know that?' I asked myself and then then I reminded myself that she too is a Jedi before thinking 'And what right did she have getting inside my mind?' as I thought over what to really say to her.
"I don’t know how to let myself feel those things, Erifia." I slowly stated as tears streamed down my face due to the truth behind of her words.
"I can teach you," Erifia stated as she squeezed my shoulder softly.
"But would you take me on, knowing that I want kill you." I asked as I reached up and grabbed her hand to make sure she really was here with me. Well, not another force ghost like Master Qui-Gon back in the temple.
“Eh… That’s no big deal. Everyone wants to kill me, why not you too?” she stated as if that didn’t matter to her one way or another.
My mind raced as her words fell down around my feet and mixing with my tears. “No, Master!” I flatly stated “That’s not the way it should be.” As I waited and wondered what was she really was thinking.
"Let's start with this, I am ordering you to yell at me knight. Hit me if you want. I want you to yell and yell, yell at me about all the things I've done to you." she stated as she waited for me to do what she ordered.
I looked at Erifia waiting for her to laugh, then I realized that she wasn't kidding. I slowly said "I don’t yell much and why would I yell at you?"
My mind screamed as I thought 'Erifia if I hit you, I could and possible will kill you!'
"Because I ordered you to, knight," Erifia said in an almost demeaning way.
'Is she reading my thoughts?' I asked myself as I yelled "I'M NOT A KNIGHT, I'M STILL A PADAWAN!" while thinking if this is what she wants then she'll get it. Then without thinking I reached into my skull cape, grabbed behind my right ear and pulled my padawan braid and showed it to Erifia while yelling. "SEE THIS!?!? UNTIL THE COUNCIL REMOVES THIS I'M STILL A PADAWAN."
"Oh, that's right," Erifia said, "You're just a useless padawan."
"EVEN THOUGH I AM A PADAWAN, I'M NOT USELESS." I yelled directly at her. As mad as I was I was more mad at myelf for yelling at her then at her for making me yell.
"Prove it, Padawan. Yell at me! Useless jedi. What have you done?" She stated as she waited for me do as she asked.
"I'VE LEARNED TO BE A JEDI HEALER." I yelled back.
"Yet you hit me? You want to kill me," she said as she sat up, and then pushed my shoulder while asking. "What kind of a healer are you?"
My mind raced as she pushed me, 'What does she think she going to prove by pushing me.' I asked myself as I held myself in check.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
If death were as easy as a friend giving their ok
Read these first so your not lost
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
part 9
This is story is now part of a cross over with Erifia Apoc read her part of the story here on her blog.
I watched over Erifia as I healed her, wondering why she was here on Lemorn of all places and not back at the temple where she should have been.
Shaking my head, I told myself 'I don’t need distractions like those thoughts now.'
Erifia breathing was quiet and shallow as I continued to heal her. 'Lucky for her, she won't have any permanent scarring.' I told myself.
'But I have years of scarring that this form of healing won't fix.' I reminded myself as I stepped back as she started to toss and turn in her sleep.
I wanted to grab a pillow and smother her with it, but I stopped myself when I saw that Erifia had her eyes open and slowly asking "Are my lekkus okay?" with questioning look in her eyes.
I looked at her with sad eyes before answering, "They'll be tender for a while, but that also in time will pass."
I waited for her to say something but when she didn't I turned away and asked "Why are you here?"
"For you… You kind of left me hanging at the temple. The council was a little upset," She laughed a bit before going on, "So Master Yoda made me a master… How weird huh? I know you are a knight, but will you be my padawan until we can get that braid removed?"
Her answer surprised me that I tried to calm myself as I thought to myself 'Great, this is just great!! She thinks I'm a knight!' as I felt the tears well up and fall down my face.
"You'll have to forgive me, Master! But I couldn't control my emotions.” I cried softly "And I still can't control them, not the way the council rules allows us to be."
"Barriss, Barriss… Calm down… Its okay, its me. I'm your friend. I care about you. I love you. Sometimes you make me sad, sometimes mad, but you make me happy… You hear that? I feel emotion… Calm down Okay?" Erifia calmly stated as she tried to comfort me.
I then realized why she was here. 'That can not be!?!?!? she won’t go and kill me, would she?' I asked myself as I wiped away my tears before asking "You're here to do their will?"
Erifia tried to comfort me as she said "No Barriss. I'm here to make sure you are okay? You can talk to me."
'Can I..can I really talk to you?' I asked myself as I slowly said "Erifia, I'm not ok. I’m not even sure if I'll ever be ok." then I turned and looked at Erifia before saying. "Right now I want to kill you, and I know that's not right."
And I do want to kill her, my mind was made up moments before that I should have. But I didn't, 'What stopped me?' I asked myself as I listened to Erifia ask "Why? I'm okay with you wanting to kill me, but tell me why. Give me a reason."
I looked at Erifia hard before saying, "I don't know!! I've tried everything I know and I still can't find a reason as to why."
That for the most part was true, I couldn't find a reason as to why I wanted to kill her. Maybe that answer wasn't meant to be found.
"Then kill me," she calmly stated , "If you think you'll get the answers that way. I'm very weak right now. I couldn't fight you too terribly hard. I've been through a lot, I've wanted to kill everyone around me. I felt lost, I felt I didn't deserve life, Barriss. You and I aren't the same person. So I don't know what you need to find your way. But if killing me will give you peace, then kill me."
'That's it, that's the answer.' My mind shouted out.
'Or is it?' I questioned myself as I slowly stated "No, Erifia I won't kill you in this state." before I went on to say "If I was to kill you, it would be a fair fight." Then I reached out with the force and showed her my dreams, well only bits and pieces of death that I saw all around me. I felt her wince before I asked "Why am I not where I need to be, Master?"
'Was I needed as a healer or was I really needed as a fighter or somewehre else in the temple?' I asked myself as I waited for her reply.
"Because you are afraid of where that path may lead you." she stated as I thought over her words.
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
part 9
This is story is now part of a cross over with Erifia Apoc read her part of the story here on her blog.
I watched over Erifia as I healed her, wondering why she was here on Lemorn of all places and not back at the temple where she should have been.
Shaking my head, I told myself 'I don’t need distractions like those thoughts now.'
Erifia breathing was quiet and shallow as I continued to heal her. 'Lucky for her, she won't have any permanent scarring.' I told myself.
'But I have years of scarring that this form of healing won't fix.' I reminded myself as I stepped back as she started to toss and turn in her sleep.
I wanted to grab a pillow and smother her with it, but I stopped myself when I saw that Erifia had her eyes open and slowly asking "Are my lekkus okay?" with questioning look in her eyes.
I looked at her with sad eyes before answering, "They'll be tender for a while, but that also in time will pass."
I waited for her to say something but when she didn't I turned away and asked "Why are you here?"
"For you… You kind of left me hanging at the temple. The council was a little upset," She laughed a bit before going on, "So Master Yoda made me a master… How weird huh? I know you are a knight, but will you be my padawan until we can get that braid removed?"
Her answer surprised me that I tried to calm myself as I thought to myself 'Great, this is just great!! She thinks I'm a knight!' as I felt the tears well up and fall down my face.
"You'll have to forgive me, Master! But I couldn't control my emotions.” I cried softly "And I still can't control them, not the way the council rules allows us to be."
"Barriss, Barriss… Calm down… Its okay, its me. I'm your friend. I care about you. I love you. Sometimes you make me sad, sometimes mad, but you make me happy… You hear that? I feel emotion… Calm down Okay?" Erifia calmly stated as she tried to comfort me.
I then realized why she was here. 'That can not be!?!?!? she won’t go and kill me, would she?' I asked myself as I wiped away my tears before asking "You're here to do their will?"
Erifia tried to comfort me as she said "No Barriss. I'm here to make sure you are okay? You can talk to me."
'Can I..can I really talk to you?' I asked myself as I slowly said "Erifia, I'm not ok. I’m not even sure if I'll ever be ok." then I turned and looked at Erifia before saying. "Right now I want to kill you, and I know that's not right."
And I do want to kill her, my mind was made up moments before that I should have. But I didn't, 'What stopped me?' I asked myself as I listened to Erifia ask "Why? I'm okay with you wanting to kill me, but tell me why. Give me a reason."
I looked at Erifia hard before saying, "I don't know!! I've tried everything I know and I still can't find a reason as to why."
That for the most part was true, I couldn't find a reason as to why I wanted to kill her. Maybe that answer wasn't meant to be found.
"Then kill me," she calmly stated , "If you think you'll get the answers that way. I'm very weak right now. I couldn't fight you too terribly hard. I've been through a lot, I've wanted to kill everyone around me. I felt lost, I felt I didn't deserve life, Barriss. You and I aren't the same person. So I don't know what you need to find your way. But if killing me will give you peace, then kill me."
'That's it, that's the answer.' My mind shouted out.
'Or is it?' I questioned myself as I slowly stated "No, Erifia I won't kill you in this state." before I went on to say "If I was to kill you, it would be a fair fight." Then I reached out with the force and showed her my dreams, well only bits and pieces of death that I saw all around me. I felt her wince before I asked "Why am I not where I need to be, Master?"
'Was I needed as a healer or was I really needed as a fighter or somewehre else in the temple?' I asked myself as I waited for her reply.
"Because you are afraid of where that path may lead you." she stated as I thought over her words.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Finding a Friend
Read these first so your not lost
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
I followed the inn keeper around the inn as he slowly took me to my room.
The only thing that I could think about was Erifia and how disappointed she's going to be that I didn't wait for her in the quiet room. 'Oh, well! At least she doesn't have to worry about me killing her.' I told myself as he slide the key into keyhole.
"Here you go, Ms Ofee!" The inn keeper said politely as he turned the key and opened the door.
"Thank you." I stated as I waited for him to either leave or hand the keys over.
"Well, if you need anything at all." He slowly said as he handed over the keys "I'll be at front desk."
I nodded and watched as he felt down the hallway.
'Well, this is it.' I told myself 'Home sweet home.' as I slowly started to turn on the overhead light.
The room was bare with just a bed, a two chairs, table, small closet, and even smaller refresher. "This is nice." I said out loud enough to fill the dead space in the room.
After unpacking and taking a short nape, I dressed, picked up the keys and felt the room. While thinking to myself 'There got to more something that I can do to fill in this time here.'
As I walked I felt eyes on me but wasn't sure why. 'Everything was in order when I left the room.' I told myself as I continued on my way.
I walked past two women and it reminded me of the time that Master Luminara and I were like that. 'To be like that again would be wonderful.' I told myself as I stopped as a group of women had formed a circle around someone.
At first I didn't really know who it was but then they looked right at me "It's Erifia!' my mind screamed as I watched her take hit after hit from the Mirialan women.
I could feel the displeasure from the women in the way that Erifia was dressed. By far most of the women were more upset with the fact that she wasn't wearing a head covering.
I watched as their blows caused Erifia to fall to the ground.
"No," I screamed out as I ran towards the group.
I forced my way towards Erifia as I slowly made each woman there remember errands that they needed to get done.
"Erifia?" I cried as I dropped to my knees.
"I've got good news for you…" Erifia said softly, as she closed her eyes, "I am now a Master… I can be your master…" as her eyes closed completely.
But I barely heard Erifia words as I picked her up and carried her back to the inn that I was staying at.
'Erifia, you really need to go on diet,' I told myself as I walked back to the inn. Once there I slowly allowed myself to join with Erifia life-force and heal her.
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
I followed the inn keeper around the inn as he slowly took me to my room.
The only thing that I could think about was Erifia and how disappointed she's going to be that I didn't wait for her in the quiet room. 'Oh, well! At least she doesn't have to worry about me killing her.' I told myself as he slide the key into keyhole.
"Here you go, Ms Ofee!" The inn keeper said politely as he turned the key and opened the door.
"Thank you." I stated as I waited for him to either leave or hand the keys over.
"Well, if you need anything at all." He slowly said as he handed over the keys "I'll be at front desk."
I nodded and watched as he felt down the hallway.
'Well, this is it.' I told myself 'Home sweet home.' as I slowly started to turn on the overhead light.
The room was bare with just a bed, a two chairs, table, small closet, and even smaller refresher. "This is nice." I said out loud enough to fill the dead space in the room.
After unpacking and taking a short nape, I dressed, picked up the keys and felt the room. While thinking to myself 'There got to more something that I can do to fill in this time here.'
As I walked I felt eyes on me but wasn't sure why. 'Everything was in order when I left the room.' I told myself as I continued on my way.
I walked past two women and it reminded me of the time that Master Luminara and I were like that. 'To be like that again would be wonderful.' I told myself as I stopped as a group of women had formed a circle around someone.
At first I didn't really know who it was but then they looked right at me "It's Erifia!' my mind screamed as I watched her take hit after hit from the Mirialan women.
I could feel the displeasure from the women in the way that Erifia was dressed. By far most of the women were more upset with the fact that she wasn't wearing a head covering.
I watched as their blows caused Erifia to fall to the ground.
"No," I screamed out as I ran towards the group.
I forced my way towards Erifia as I slowly made each woman there remember errands that they needed to get done.
"Erifia?" I cried as I dropped to my knees.
"I've got good news for you…" Erifia said softly, as she closed her eyes, "I am now a Master… I can be your master…" as her eyes closed completely.
But I barely heard Erifia words as I picked her up and carried her back to the inn that I was staying at.
'Erifia, you really need to go on diet,' I told myself as I walked back to the inn. Once there I slowly allowed myself to join with Erifia life-force and heal her.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Home sweet home, well sort of!
Read these first so your not lost
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
As I sat there I pondered where I should go, and the only answer that made any sense was to go back home to Mirial or to one of the Mirialan moons.
'Given my choices, I'll take my luck on one of the moons.' I told myself as I watched the ship prepare to jump to light speed.
I slept during the tripe to Mirialan moon Lemorn, and as I landed my ship on a one of the landing docks. I noticed that the planet hadn't changed since the last time I had visited it.
'Nothing ever changes, does it?' I asked myself as I reached for my bag and then thought. 'And nothing ever will.' As I unclipped my lightsaber and tucked it in my travel bag.
I walked away from the ship, and towards the port and see about getting a place to stay. 'In these places, the locals don't like outsiders.' I remember Master Luminara sayings once while she was teaching me of our home world.
I don't watch were I was going until I came upon a inn that she and I stayed at the a year ago.
The inn appearance on the outsides was old, almost falling apart but inside was a different story. Last time it was warm, inviting, almost made you think of home when you walked in.
I noticed that few to hardly any lights where on, 'Maybe the inn has closed?' I asked myself as I knocked on the door.
After my third knock, the inn keeper opened the door and peered out at me. Recognizing me from before he said "Welcome, welcome!" as he stepped a side allowing me to enter.
Once inside I noticed that there were a few changes. Last time the entryway was bright and cheerful, now it was still bright but not as cheerful.
"Are you here alone or will your friend be joining you soon?" The Inn keeper asked with a smile.
"I’m not sure." I replied slowly. I wasn’t sure what the council was going to do, if anything at all.
"Ah!" The Inn keeper stated and waited for me to go on.
I really looked at the Inn keeper and noticed that his clothes were a little worn and torn in several places. 'He looks like he hasn't eaten in days!' I told myself as I asked, "Do you have any rooms available?"
"Yes, I do still have a room available." The Inn keeper said as he showed me to the check in desk and waited.
"May I rent it from you?" I asked slowly.
"Why, yes you may." The Inn keeper said as he reached for his books. Then he asked "May I get an name, please?"
I nearly freaked out, I hadn't thought about what name I was going to use or if I was going to keep the name I've known most my life. I made up my mind and said "Baris Ofee."
"Could you please spell if for me," The Inn keeper politely asked as he waited with his pen ready to write as I spelled it out for him.
"Thank you," He said and then added "You and your friend paid me too much the last time you were here so this stay on me." He proudly said as I slowly thought about how I was going to pay for the room.
"Oh?" I said, wondering why Master Luminara would have done such a thing for in the first place.
"Yes," He happily stated "I couldn't find either of you the last time and thought that if her or you came back I would do what I could to make sure to set everything right."
"That is nice of you to remember us," I stated as I waited to be shown to my room.
"Please, follow me." he happily stated as he came around the desk with a set of keys. Then he smiled as he took the lead towards one of the rooms as I followed him.
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
As I sat there I pondered where I should go, and the only answer that made any sense was to go back home to Mirial or to one of the Mirialan moons.
'Given my choices, I'll take my luck on one of the moons.' I told myself as I watched the ship prepare to jump to light speed.
I slept during the tripe to Mirialan moon Lemorn, and as I landed my ship on a one of the landing docks. I noticed that the planet hadn't changed since the last time I had visited it.
'Nothing ever changes, does it?' I asked myself as I reached for my bag and then thought. 'And nothing ever will.' As I unclipped my lightsaber and tucked it in my travel bag.
I walked away from the ship, and towards the port and see about getting a place to stay. 'In these places, the locals don't like outsiders.' I remember Master Luminara sayings once while she was teaching me of our home world.
I don't watch were I was going until I came upon a inn that she and I stayed at the a year ago.
The inn appearance on the outsides was old, almost falling apart but inside was a different story. Last time it was warm, inviting, almost made you think of home when you walked in.
I noticed that few to hardly any lights where on, 'Maybe the inn has closed?' I asked myself as I knocked on the door.
After my third knock, the inn keeper opened the door and peered out at me. Recognizing me from before he said "Welcome, welcome!" as he stepped a side allowing me to enter.
Once inside I noticed that there were a few changes. Last time the entryway was bright and cheerful, now it was still bright but not as cheerful.
"Are you here alone or will your friend be joining you soon?" The Inn keeper asked with a smile.
"I’m not sure." I replied slowly. I wasn’t sure what the council was going to do, if anything at all.
"Ah!" The Inn keeper stated and waited for me to go on.
I really looked at the Inn keeper and noticed that his clothes were a little worn and torn in several places. 'He looks like he hasn't eaten in days!' I told myself as I asked, "Do you have any rooms available?"
"Yes, I do still have a room available." The Inn keeper said as he showed me to the check in desk and waited.
"May I rent it from you?" I asked slowly.
"Why, yes you may." The Inn keeper said as he reached for his books. Then he asked "May I get an name, please?"
I nearly freaked out, I hadn't thought about what name I was going to use or if I was going to keep the name I've known most my life. I made up my mind and said "Baris Ofee."
"Could you please spell if for me," The Inn keeper politely asked as he waited with his pen ready to write as I spelled it out for him.
"Thank you," He said and then added "You and your friend paid me too much the last time you were here so this stay on me." He proudly said as I slowly thought about how I was going to pay for the room.
"Oh?" I said, wondering why Master Luminara would have done such a thing for in the first place.
"Yes," He happily stated "I couldn't find either of you the last time and thought that if her or you came back I would do what I could to make sure to set everything right."
"That is nice of you to remember us," I stated as I waited to be shown to my room.
"Please, follow me." he happily stated as he came around the desk with a set of keys. Then he smiled as he took the lead towards one of the rooms as I followed him.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Not looking back
Read these first so your not lost
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
I climbed back to my feet, maybe I could leave. Leave all of this behind; and go somewhere anywhere and get my head back on straight. 'But where would I go?' I asked myself I walked around the room.
'There's no place safe that I could go and not be found by the council.' I told myself as I stopped in the middle of the room.
'But I wanted to hurt Master Luminara and just now I could have hurt Erifia as well.' I reminded myself as I brushed my braid out of my face and tucked it back into my skull-cap as I waited for Erifia to return.
"Would you really risk leaving the temple?" Asked a voice I haven't heard in a long time.
"Master Qui-Gon Jinn!?!?" I said as I looked around the room for him.
"Hello Barriss," he whispered.
I fell to my knees as I slowly tried to come to terms of his present being in the room with me. "What do you mean risk leaving the temple?" I asked as I waited for his reply, knowing full well what he meant.
"Running away from your problems will solve nothing, young one. Surly you know that?" He said as I stood there by a window waiting for my answer. But I didn't say anything but waited for him to go on.
"If you leave your troubles will only follow you," Qui-Gon said when waited for my reply.
"Yes Master I do, but." I started to say then stopped for I felt like kicking down the door and leaving and then he said "But what?"
"I don't know, Master," I cried.
"Why is your heart so troubled, Barriss? Do you think you are unworthy?" Master Qui-Gon asked.
"I...I...I..." I cried, I couldn't say it, even to him I couldn't say it. And it made me cry harder then I ever did before in my life.
"Let it out, Barriss, spill out your heart in words..." He said trying his best to comfort me.
"That is something I'm not trained to do." I cried as I hung my head
"Feelings can not be helped. Trained or not." He said with a knowing smile.
"But I am better then this, I've been trained to be in control. Not the other way around." I stated.
I heard him sigh deeply before saying, "Control is a point of view and highly misinterpreted. All of us lose that control once and a while and fall off our path." He slowly stated.
I glared at him, then stood and ran from the room.
'I don't need him or his advice anymore.' I told myself as I hurried towards my room.
As I entered I grabbed for my already packed traveling bag and made a mad dash from the room.
I didn't even watch were I was going until I was standing on the landing platform. I didn't look back to see if anyone was following me as I ran towards one of the Jedi fighters and climbed in and as I dried my tears. As I slowly fired the engines up and waited till all systems were good to go.
When the systems read that I was green to go. I set course and felt the ship take off as I sat back in the seat.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
I climbed back to my feet, maybe I could leave. Leave all of this behind; and go somewhere anywhere and get my head back on straight. 'But where would I go?' I asked myself I walked around the room.
'There's no place safe that I could go and not be found by the council.' I told myself as I stopped in the middle of the room.
'But I wanted to hurt Master Luminara and just now I could have hurt Erifia as well.' I reminded myself as I brushed my braid out of my face and tucked it back into my skull-cap as I waited for Erifia to return.
"Would you really risk leaving the temple?" Asked a voice I haven't heard in a long time.
"Master Qui-Gon Jinn!?!?" I said as I looked around the room for him.
"Hello Barriss," he whispered.
I fell to my knees as I slowly tried to come to terms of his present being in the room with me. "What do you mean risk leaving the temple?" I asked as I waited for his reply, knowing full well what he meant.
"Running away from your problems will solve nothing, young one. Surly you know that?" He said as I stood there by a window waiting for my answer. But I didn't say anything but waited for him to go on.
"If you leave your troubles will only follow you," Qui-Gon said when waited for my reply.
"Yes Master I do, but." I started to say then stopped for I felt like kicking down the door and leaving and then he said "But what?"
"I don't know, Master," I cried.
"Why is your heart so troubled, Barriss? Do you think you are unworthy?" Master Qui-Gon asked.
"I...I...I..." I cried, I couldn't say it, even to him I couldn't say it. And it made me cry harder then I ever did before in my life.
"Let it out, Barriss, spill out your heart in words..." He said trying his best to comfort me.
"That is something I'm not trained to do." I cried as I hung my head
"Feelings can not be helped. Trained or not." He said with a knowing smile.
"But I am better then this, I've been trained to be in control. Not the other way around." I stated.
I heard him sigh deeply before saying, "Control is a point of view and highly misinterpreted. All of us lose that control once and a while and fall off our path." He slowly stated.
I glared at him, then stood and ran from the room.
'I don't need him or his advice anymore.' I told myself as I hurried towards my room.
As I entered I grabbed for my already packed traveling bag and made a mad dash from the room.
I didn't even watch were I was going until I was standing on the landing platform. I didn't look back to see if anyone was following me as I ran towards one of the Jedi fighters and climbed in and as I dried my tears. As I slowly fired the engines up and waited till all systems were good to go.
When the systems read that I was green to go. I set course and felt the ship take off as I sat back in the seat.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Tears and Angry words
Read these first so your not lost
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
As I waited I heard a voice call out "Hey... Hey sweetheart." I narrowed my eyes as I turned to see Erifia Apoc standing there.
Erifia said, "You look really bad, you need to talk?"
"Erifia!? What are you doing here?" I angrily asked as I waited for her to answer.
"I suppose that's not very important. Why you are on the verge of tears is," Erifia replied softly.
"I don't want to talk about it." I fired as I turned away and stared hard at the council chambers door. 'If she won't talk, then I won't tell her a word of what she wants to know.' I quickly told myself as I waited
"Don't you snip at me. We will go to the sparing room right now. Something is really, really bothering you for you to raise your voice like that." She stated as she stood there waiting.
'Let her wait' I told myself then I shook my head as I angrily said "Erifia, Master Luminara told me to stay here. And here's where I'll stay."
I then felt Erifia strong arms pushing me against a nearby wall. "Oh!! What did I do to deserve this rage?" She asked as she held me against the wall.
"Nothing," I fired as my left hand went towards my lightsaber. "Leave me alone, Erifia! I don't..." 'want to hurt you' I told myself as stared at her.
"Do it," Erifia said, "Do it dear. Because if I did something to upset you so, than I deserve it."
"Erifia," I slowly said as my let go of my lightsaber. "I can't do this, I can't go in there, not now." I quietly said as I looked at the door and tried to understand why I felt like running away from them.
"I can go in for you..." Erifia replied, "They don't scare me anymore." Then Erifia held opened her arms as I slowly walked in that embrace. I felt a need to release it all and I had helped her maybe she could help me.
"Erifia, between being accepted as a healer and now having to go before the council to be knighted." I cried on her shoulder. "Ican'tdoit, Iknowthisnow."
"If you can't do it, you don't have to... okay? Its up to you if you even want to be a knight." Erifia slowly said as she rubbed my shoulders.
Tears flow down my face. "Erifia, I mad at them. All of them, but most of all her. All the lies, everything." I slowly cried as I went on to say, "I know I shouldn't be, but I am."
"If you don't want to be knighted yet, then don't go in. Okay? Maybe I can help you get rid of some of that anger okay?" She stated calmly.
I nodded then slowly said "But I'll have made her look like she's a bad master. I know she's not."
"Are you ready to be knighted?" Erifia asked firmly.
"Erifia, look at me. Do I look ready to you? Do I look like someone who's right now capable in doing so?" I asked as I dried my tears. 'Oh. please don't answer that.' I told myself as I pleaded with my eyes for some hope.
"Then if she feels you're ready to be knighted, and you are not, then she is a bad master," Erifia said with that knowing look of hers.
I nodded then said "Erifia, earlier I wanted to kill her. I didn't even know I had that inside of me. I'm a healer first and for most, I should have been trained against this. But I still wanted to hurt her, even had joy in wanting to watch her die."
'But I still feel like killing her.' I told myself as I waited for Erifia reaction.
"Oh...Barriss..." Erifia said pulling Barriss to her tighter, "You're not ready sweetie... You should be allowed to feel these things... What have they done to you?"
My eyes went wide as my mind raced and I kept asking myself 'That do she mean by that?'
I allowed Erifia to grab my hand and drag me into a nearby quiet room. "Barriss... Sweet Barriss... I understand why you want to do that... But...."
""But what Erifia?" I asked as I waited I slowly started to repeat the code to myself.
"Barriss... Please don't get angry at me, but we have some things we need to work out for you... Frell... We have some things I need to work out... But yours are far more important. Okay? If you want, I will go tell the council to not expect you... Or if you think you are ready, I will go knock half of them unconscious."
I felt my world fall apart as I slowly closed my eyes then said "Erifia, I know now that I'm not ready." turning my blue eyes to Erifia asked "But who's going to take me on now? I am certain that Luminara won't be able to take me back."
"I will take care of everything..." Erifia said, "It is the least, I can do for you."
Then I watched as Erifia walked out of the room, and as the door closed I cried out my disappointment in myself and my sorrows. As I cried I sank down to my knees and thought back to the day that Master Yoda had given me the title of Jedi knight, but I had not been placed before the council. I still had my Padawan braid and it needed to be removed by the council and I didn't have the heart to remove it myself. 'I should have!' I told myself as I took my right hand and reached into my skull-cap and pulled it out.
My mind raced as I thought back over what Erifia had said. The only thing that was becoming clearer and clearer was that 'She wants to help me, but she doesn't have to!' I told myself as I tried hard not to think any further then that.
'Why bother, they may just kick me out anyway.' I told myself as I sat there waiting for Erifia.
I couldn't believe that in all my years of training I didn't have the strength to go with Erifia and face the council. I blamed myself and my own weakness for this failure.
Council Meeting
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
As I waited I heard a voice call out "Hey... Hey sweetheart." I narrowed my eyes as I turned to see Erifia Apoc standing there.
Erifia said, "You look really bad, you need to talk?"
"Erifia!? What are you doing here?" I angrily asked as I waited for her to answer.
"I suppose that's not very important. Why you are on the verge of tears is," Erifia replied softly.
"I don't want to talk about it." I fired as I turned away and stared hard at the council chambers door. 'If she won't talk, then I won't tell her a word of what she wants to know.' I quickly told myself as I waited
"Don't you snip at me. We will go to the sparing room right now. Something is really, really bothering you for you to raise your voice like that." She stated as she stood there waiting.
'Let her wait' I told myself then I shook my head as I angrily said "Erifia, Master Luminara told me to stay here. And here's where I'll stay."
I then felt Erifia strong arms pushing me against a nearby wall. "Oh!! What did I do to deserve this rage?" She asked as she held me against the wall.
"Nothing," I fired as my left hand went towards my lightsaber. "Leave me alone, Erifia! I don't..." 'want to hurt you' I told myself as stared at her.
"Do it," Erifia said, "Do it dear. Because if I did something to upset you so, than I deserve it."
"Erifia," I slowly said as my let go of my lightsaber. "I can't do this, I can't go in there, not now." I quietly said as I looked at the door and tried to understand why I felt like running away from them.
"I can go in for you..." Erifia replied, "They don't scare me anymore." Then Erifia held opened her arms as I slowly walked in that embrace. I felt a need to release it all and I had helped her maybe she could help me.
"Erifia, between being accepted as a healer and now having to go before the council to be knighted." I cried on her shoulder. "Ican'tdoit, Iknowthisnow."
"If you can't do it, you don't have to... okay? Its up to you if you even want to be a knight." Erifia slowly said as she rubbed my shoulders.
Tears flow down my face. "Erifia, I mad at them. All of them, but most of all her. All the lies, everything." I slowly cried as I went on to say, "I know I shouldn't be, but I am."
"If you don't want to be knighted yet, then don't go in. Okay? Maybe I can help you get rid of some of that anger okay?" She stated calmly.
I nodded then slowly said "But I'll have made her look like she's a bad master. I know she's not."
"Are you ready to be knighted?" Erifia asked firmly.
"Erifia, look at me. Do I look ready to you? Do I look like someone who's right now capable in doing so?" I asked as I dried my tears. 'Oh. please don't answer that.' I told myself as I pleaded with my eyes for some hope.
"Then if she feels you're ready to be knighted, and you are not, then she is a bad master," Erifia said with that knowing look of hers.
I nodded then said "Erifia, earlier I wanted to kill her. I didn't even know I had that inside of me. I'm a healer first and for most, I should have been trained against this. But I still wanted to hurt her, even had joy in wanting to watch her die."
'But I still feel like killing her.' I told myself as I waited for Erifia reaction.
"Oh...Barriss..." Erifia said pulling Barriss to her tighter, "You're not ready sweetie... You should be allowed to feel these things... What have they done to you?"
My eyes went wide as my mind raced and I kept asking myself 'That do she mean by that?'
I allowed Erifia to grab my hand and drag me into a nearby quiet room. "Barriss... Sweet Barriss... I understand why you want to do that... But...."
""But what Erifia?" I asked as I waited I slowly started to repeat the code to myself.
"Barriss... Please don't get angry at me, but we have some things we need to work out for you... Frell... We have some things I need to work out... But yours are far more important. Okay? If you want, I will go tell the council to not expect you... Or if you think you are ready, I will go knock half of them unconscious."
I felt my world fall apart as I slowly closed my eyes then said "Erifia, I know now that I'm not ready." turning my blue eyes to Erifia asked "But who's going to take me on now? I am certain that Luminara won't be able to take me back."
"I will take care of everything..." Erifia said, "It is the least, I can do for you."
Then I watched as Erifia walked out of the room, and as the door closed I cried out my disappointment in myself and my sorrows. As I cried I sank down to my knees and thought back to the day that Master Yoda had given me the title of Jedi knight, but I had not been placed before the council. I still had my Padawan braid and it needed to be removed by the council and I didn't have the heart to remove it myself. 'I should have!' I told myself as I took my right hand and reached into my skull-cap and pulled it out.
My mind raced as I thought back over what Erifia had said. The only thing that was becoming clearer and clearer was that 'She wants to help me, but she doesn't have to!' I told myself as I tried hard not to think any further then that.
'Why bother, they may just kick me out anyway.' I told myself as I sat there waiting for Erifia.
I couldn't believe that in all my years of training I didn't have the strength to go with Erifia and face the council. I blamed myself and my own weakness for this failure.
Council Meeting
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
The lonely Walk
Read these first so your not lost
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
I followed Luminara out the room, pausing at the door allowing her to take the lead.
My heart was thundering in my chest as I walked behind her for the last time. I stayed two steps behind her the entire way to the council chambers.
As we came to the doors of the council, Luminara turned and faced me.
I felt the need to strike her down here, in front of the council chambers. But I buried that feeling down deep as I waited to hear what she had to say.
As I waited for her to speak, my thoughts were a scattered mess. I started questioning everything from my training to who my father was. Then I got the feeling that I'd been lied to. 'She going to tell me that she’s not my mother.' I told myself as I continued to wait.
She slowly took a step towards me, then stopped herself. "Barriss," she quietly said "wait here until your called in to the council chamber."
"Ok, Luminara." I said as I stood there watching as she turned and opened the door, and walked on in as if nothing as a miss.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
I followed Luminara out the room, pausing at the door allowing her to take the lead.
My heart was thundering in my chest as I walked behind her for the last time. I stayed two steps behind her the entire way to the council chambers.
As we came to the doors of the council, Luminara turned and faced me.
I felt the need to strike her down here, in front of the council chambers. But I buried that feeling down deep as I waited to hear what she had to say.
As I waited for her to speak, my thoughts were a scattered mess. I started questioning everything from my training to who my father was. Then I got the feeling that I'd been lied to. 'She going to tell me that she’s not my mother.' I told myself as I continued to wait.
She slowly took a step towards me, then stopped herself. "Barriss," she quietly said "wait here until your called in to the council chamber."
"Ok, Luminara." I said as I stood there watching as she turned and opened the door, and walked on in as if nothing as a miss.
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